Best of Shakespeare's Insults and Roasts; Eggs, Goats and More

As you might have noticed this blog has a pretty unorthodox name. It is the product of my little obsession with Shakespearean insults. Below I will provide a ranked list of my favorites as well as their source. One thing is for sure, he didn't leave anything to imagination.

*Honorable Mention*

"I would challenge you to a battle of wits but I see you are unarmed"

Although this is a pretty good quote and is constantly being attributed to Shakespeare, no one actually knows where it came from because it doesn't appear in any of the plays. Some say that he never wrote it down but definitely said at some time, however we have no real evidence for this, so I am reluctant to put this on a list.

11)— As You Like It, Act 3 Scene 2, Line 254; Orlando to Jacques

"I do desire we may be better strangers"

To ease us into some of the more hard-core insults, this one has a very passive aggressive tone, yet it is very clever. Use it if you don't want the person to realize that you are insulting them until after you are already gone. Works well if you want to sound like a smart-ass.

10)Timon of Athens

“I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.”

Followed closely by such lines as "Were I like thee, I would throw away myself", this play has indeed some hidden gems. Channeling the same energy as the contemporary classic "I'd slap you but that would be animal abuse".

9)King Henry IV, Act II Scene I "You scullion. You rampant. You fustilarian. I will tickle your catastrophe!"

Scullion- a servant assigned the most menial kitchen tasks.

Rampant- (especially of something unwelcome or unpleasant) flourishing or spreading unchecked.

Fustilarian- A low fellow; a stinkard; a scoundrel

You're welcome. The best part of this, however, is tickling your catastrophe. Makes no sense, sounds intimidating. Amazing.

8)Henry V

“Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat.”

This is part of an exchange between Pistol and a Frenchman who doesn't speak English. Pistol mishears the French word bras(arm) for brass.

Pistol:"Brass, cur? Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat, offer’st me brass?"

I never cared much for goats, but for some reason this made me like them.

7) All's Well That Ends Well, Scene III

“Methink’st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee."

Or a fuller and even harsher version of the quote:

"By mine honour, if I were but two hours younger, I'ld beat thee: methinks, thou art a general offence, and every man should beat thee: I think thou wast created for men to breathe themselves upon thee."

It is already bad enough to get on someone's nerves so much that they want to beat you, but this is basically saying that everyone should have the right to beat him up without consequences.

6) Henry V, Act 5 Scene 2

“Thine face is not worth sunburning.”

The Thine part should probably be put in brackets because this quote is not 100% word for word. The original version goes like this:

"If thou canst love a fellow of this temper, Kate, whose face is not worth sunburning, that never looks in his glass for love of anything he sees there, let thine eye be thy cook."

5) Macbeth, Act 4 Scene 2

"What, you egg? [He stabs him.]"

This is perhaps the most famous funny Shakespearean insult since it went viral as a meme a few years ago. Macbeth's henchman asks MacDuff's son "What, you Egg?" Before stabbing him. Then the murdered yells "Young fry of treachery!" implying that he is the son of a traitor.

4) The Two Gentlemen of Verona, Act 1 Scene 2

"You, minion, are too saucy."

Said Julia to Lucetta because of her sassiness. Also a good way to break up with someone. This play is seen as one of the first, if not the first play Shakespeare ever wrote and it's rarely mentioned in mainstream media, however it is here that Shakespeare first experimented with some of the elements of his work that he would later become known for.

3 Taming of the Shrew, Act 4 Scene 1 "Away, you three inch fool!"

This could be taken a few different ways... Though we all hopefully know what kind of three inches they are referring to. A low blow, one might say *Chuckles at own joke*

2)The Comedy of Errors, Act 3 Scene 2 "No longer from head to foot than from hip to hip; she is spherical, like a globe; I could find out countries in her."

Yo Mama So Big... First Yo mama joke. Pinnacle of humor, never goes out of fashion. Except it wasn't about someone's mom but a creepy lady that was pursuing one of the participants of this conversation. And I'm just gonna give you the entire conversation.

" Antipholus of Syracuse: What complexion is she of?

Dromio of Syracuse: Swart, like my shoe, but her face nothing like so clean kept: for why? She sweats, a man may go over shoes in the grime of it.

Antipholus of Syracuse: That’s a fault that water will mend.

Dromio of Syracuse: No, sir, ’tis in grain, Noah’s flood could not do it.

Antipholus of Syracuse: What’s her name?

Dromio of Syracuse: Nell, sir; but her name and three quarters, that’s an ell and three quarters, will not measure her from hip to hip.

Antipholus of Syracuse: Then she bears some breadth?

Dromio of Syracuse: No longer from head to foot than from hip to hip: she is spherical, like a globe; I could find out countries in her.

Antipholus of Syracuse:

In what part of her bod stands Ireland?

Dromio of Syracuse: Marry, sir, in her buttocks, I found it out by the bogs.

Antipholus of Syracuse: Where Scotland?

Dromio of Syracuse: I found it by the barrenness, hard in the palm of the hand.

Antipholus of Syracuse: Where France?

Dromio of Syracuse: In her forehead, arm’d and reverted, making war against her heir.

Antipholus of Syracuse: Where England?

Dromio of Syracuse: I look’d for the chalky cliffs, but I could find no whiteness in them. But I guess, it stood in her chin, by the salt rheum that ran between France and it.

Antipholus of Syracuse: Where Spain?

Dromio of Syracuse: Faith, I saw it not; but I felt it hot in her breath.

Antipholus of Syracuse: Where America, the Indies?

Dromio of Syracuse: O, sir, upon her nose, all o’er embellish’d with rubies, carbuncles, sapphires, declining their rich aspect to the hot breath of Spain, who sent whole armadoes of carrects to be ballast at her nose."

1) Titus Andronicus, Act 4 Scene2

Demetrius: Villain, what hast thou done?

Aaron: That which thou canst not undo.

Chiron: Thou hast undone our mother.

Aaron: Villain, I have done thy mother.

WHAT DID YOU DO? -Your mom.

Aside from the fact that I wouldn't recommend this play to anyone who is sensitive to a lot of murder, blood and gore, this is definitely my favorite mic-drop moment from Shakespeare's plays. Although, to be completely fair, modern yo mama and your mom jokes suck. Just to be clear. Those aren't funny. These are funny because of the context.

Lesson: Don't tell yo mama jokes unless you're Shakespeare. Or if you're twelve. I guess it's appropriate then.